How to save a life
by AlwaysElisabethian
Summary: AU/AH! Elena's life is miserable. And because of everything going on in her life, she has closed herself off. But what happens when a certain blue eyes stranger comes to her school, and charms his way into her heart? Rated M for self-harm, rape and adult content! Consider yourselves warned! *ON HIATUS*
1. Prologue

**Okay, guys, before you start reading this, I really have to warn you. This is going to be STRONG! **

**This fic is going to feature rape, cutting and many other nasty thing. I promise you all that it will be just as sappy at times, but it's also going to be very tough, and very dark. So, please, if you can't handle these kind of things, don't read this. **

**Anyways, with all of the warnings taken care of, I have to tell you some of the story behind this! When I started writing, I had no idea where I was going with this. I just knew I wanted something with a vulnerable Elena and Damon coming to the rescue. And then I talked to my beta/pre-reader/what you want to call her, Kasy (Foreverfirstloves) and this just exploded! I now have an awesome storyline, thanks to her! So, thank you, Kasy! **

**Last warning! This was written veery late at night, and English isn't my first language. Prepare for grammar mistakes, and please inform me if anything is wrong! **

**So, yeah! See you at the bottom!**

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**-Prologue**

"Come on, Elena. You know you want this. Just stop denying it. I've seen the way you dress around the house. I've seen the way you look at me. Of course you want this."  
I feel the tears filling my eyes, as his hands travel south to unbuckle his belt. A big smile is placed on his lips, as he walks closer to the bed, throwing off his clothes on the way. My heart is beating way too fast to be healthy, and I'm shivering with fear. Every small step he's taking towards my bed, is making me feel even worse. This is really happening. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

As his underwear comes off, I tear my gaze away from him and looks at my hands. They're holding my bed sheets as close to my body as possible, hoping they will be able to protect me against the terrible man coming towards me.

"Please don't do this," I whisper, trying to make him reason with me. I have never meant to be coming on to him. He must have known that. But he doesn't care. I know he doesn't. He never does. Why would he start now?

"Oh, sweetheart, don't you worry. It's completely normal. Just think of how much you want this. I know you want this."  
He's now moving on to the bed, coming closer to me slowly. Whimpering, I close my eyes and pull the covers closer to my body. There's no way of me winning against him. He's older, he's stronger and he wants this. And I know there's no way of escaping, when he wants something. My mother taught me that, even though she didn't want to.

The cover is pulled violently from my body, and I feel my self tremble, as I'm only left in my underwear in front of him. His hungry gaze runs over my body, as he's coming closer, his hand touching my thigh.

A tear slides down my cheek, as I feel his hand nearing the apex of my thigh. Oh God, I really don't want this. I really want to get away from him.

In one swift movement, his thumbs are hooked in my panties and he's taking them off, way too fast. I let out a sob, as they leave my body, making me feel even more naked. This is really happening, and there's nothing I can do about it.

As his body covers mine, I press my eyes tightly together, trying not to feel anything at all. I don't want to think about the way his erect member is pushing against my folds, I don't want to think about the way his breath is touching my neck, I don't want to think about the sounds his making, as his hands cups my premature breasts.

Instead I let my mind wander. I think about the way my mother used to hold me close, while we were watching TV. I think about the way Jeremy's laugh would fill the room, as he ran around with his toys, shouting words he had learned to speak. I think about the way my dad would come home and press a kiss to my mother's lips, greeting her with a silent whisper of love. I think about how happy I was, when we were by the falls, Jeremy and dad fishing, while mother and I prepared dinner.

But my fantasy is ripped apart, as a strong pain shoots through my whole body, originated from my abdomen. I let out a scream, cut off by the big hand clamped down on my mouth. I don't try to stop the tears anymore. I let them fall down my cheeks, as I try to return to my happy place. But I can't. His body is on me, inside me. I can't get away. I feel my chest tighten, as he let out sounds of pleasure. My breathing increases, as the sobs get louder, and his grip on my mouth tightens.

"Don't fight it, Elena. You know you enjoy this. I won't stop, just because you let out a few tears," he says, his voice sounding breathy and way too light. I don't say anything, and I keep my eyes tightly pressed together. I don't want to watch him. I don't want to see his eyes, I don't want to see his face expression.

More tears falls down my cheek, as his pace quicken and his pants grow louder. It's coming to an end. Finally. I'm going to be away from him. He's going to return to his study, and I'm going to be alone. Alone to do the thing I love the most.

As he let out a gutteral sound, I feel myself getting filled. He hadn't worn protection! I let out a loud scream, as I recall the sexual education from school. No condom resulted in a baby. A baby I really don't want to have.

His hand is removed from my face, as he plants a kiss on my neck.

"Now, you have been a good girl and taken the pills I've given you. You will keep on taking those pills. Unless you want these encounters to turn into a child. You be a good girl, and stay right here. And you are not going to tell anyone about this. Do that, and you can kiss Jeremy goodbye."  
With that comment he's gone. He doesn't even bother putting on his clothes. As the door closes, I can hear the lock turning, indicating I'm trapped in my room. Little does he know that this is the only place I want to be. Because my room is the only place I'm able to escape from reality.

As I make my way off the bed, I see the blood on my sheets. No way I'm sleeping in those. But something has to be done, before I can even think about going to sleep. Shivering, I try to walk straight to the other end of my room. My knees buckle underneath me, making me feel weak as hell, but I'm not stopping. Not until I reach my desk, where my release is hidden.

The small blade shines in the light from my desk lamp. I've missed it. And now I'm going to be reunited with it, once again.

Sitting down on the chair, I let it tear through my skin, successfully making three cuts. As the pain reaches my body, I smile and close my eyes. Finally, I feel good. Finally, I feel home.

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**That was the prologue! I already have chapter 1 & 2 ready, but I won't update them just yet! I haven't really decided when to put them up, but they will be up! I just want to have something in advance for you guys!  
PLEASE leave a review, telling me how this was. I don't care if it's two words or three pages, just leave a review! See you next update!**


	2. Chapter 1

**Okay, I said I would wait... But I can't wait, I really want to hear your opinion, lol! So, here you get chapter 1! It's not as sick and twisted as prologue, hehe. So, I hope you like it!**

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**Chapter 1: **

"Jeremy, it's time to go! Get your ass down here, I don't have all morning!" I say, tapping my foot impatiently against the hardwood floor. It's 7.30 in the morning, Monday morning to be exact. And not just any casual Monday. No, it's the first day after the summer holidays, and my first day as a senior. Not that I'm excited about it. Not like all the other girls in my year, anyway. Why should I? I am returning to all of their judging gazes, their mean comments.

Of course I'm not looking forward to going back. Not even if it's my last year in this God forsaken hole. Because I still have over 200 days left of my miserable life in Mystic Falls. I can start celebrating, when I'm actually getting closer to the day I graduate, and can get the hell out of here.

"Relax! I'm here, I'm here! Let's go," Jeremy says, as he grabs his bag and walks out the door, not even looking at me. I sigh, as the smell of pot reaches my nose. Of course he's high. He's always high. Why should today be any different?

Grabbing my keys from the table, I walk out the door, smacking it behind me. I know my step-dad will be mad about the noise, but I don't care. Anything to annoy him. He's making my life a living hell. No reason I can't reciprocate.

As I get in the car, Jeremy is just looking out the window, waiting for me to start driving. I roll my eyes, turning on the car. He would be able to drive him self, if he hadn't been caught driving while drunk and high. Then he would still have his license, and I wouldn't have been forced to live with the strong smell of his pot, all the way to our school.

But unfortunately, that's not the way things are. So I try to breathe through my mouth, as I open one window, pull out the drive way, and head towards our school.

As soon as I pull in the parking lot, Jeremy is out of the car, and almost running to the main entrance. I sigh softly, as I turn off the car, and grabs my bag from the backseat. Here we go. Another day, another fake smile on my lips, another hell to survive. Because that's what I do. I survive.

Checking that the small black box is in it's rightful location, I get out of the car, slamming the door, and slowly makes my way to my own personal hell. Well, my second personal hell.

All eyes are staring at me, as I make my way through the hallway. To be honest, I don't really care. These people mean absolutely nothing to me, so why should I care what they think about me? I put on a fake smile, as I keep my eyes straight ahead, not sparing a single glance on any of the people around me. They're only looking for an reaction, so that is the one thing I'm not going to give to them.

When I finally reach my locker, I'm annoyed as hell. There's a boy standing in front of it, looking at a paper, while looking totally and utterly lost.

"Hey, new boy," I say, not caring if I'm rude.

He's gorgeous. No doubt about that. But I'm also pretty sure that he's going to be very popular within the next few weeks, which means he will be another person to make fun of me behind my back. So, why should I care whether I'm rude or not?

He looks up, and my eyes are met by the gaze of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. As soon as his eyes meets mine, his incredibly blue gaze turns warm and friendly. A friendly smile spreads across his full lips, as he stands up straight, not leaning against the lockers anymore.

"Oh, great, maybe you can help me out. I'm looking for locker 213? I was told it was here, but I can't really seem to find it," he says, scratching his neck, as he looks from the papers to me again.

I should come up with some sort of rude comment, and tell him to scratch off. I should tell him that he needs to fuck off, before I do something drastic. Hell, I should tell him that the locker is in the other end of the school, only to laugh when he realise it is located right here.

But for some odd reason, I don't. A legit smile comes to my lips, as I tell him the exact location of his locker. Right next to mine. And as his eyes light up, and he turns to the locker, I can't help but wonder why I didn't tell him to move the fuck away from my locker, without any kind of explanation. That would be my normal reaction. But it wasn't with this guy.

"Thank you, so much. I guess I'm kind of lost here. I'm Damon," he says, extending his hand for me to shake. I narrow my eyes slightly, as I look at his hand. The first thing that pops into my vision, is the big ring resting on his finger. Since when do guys wear rings? Again, I can't help but remind my self, that I really shouldn't touch his hand, that I should walk straight past him, open my locker and never speak to the man again. But once again, I can't seem to follow my own advice.

Mumbling my name, I shake his hand, without looking in his eyes. Instead I keep my eyes fixed on our hands. Why the hell does it feel so weird touching him? I mean, come on, this guy could easily be a total douche. Not that he's given me any indication that he is.

"Nice to meet you, Elena. Maybe you could also help me get to class... This school is pretty big, and I'm not really sure how to navigate around here," he says, looking even more lost. I roll my eyes and look at his schedule. History in B13... Oh, hell no. No way I'm in the same class as this guy. It just can't be.

But there's nothing to do about it. The schedule doesn't change before my very eyes, and somehow, I can't really seem to be rude to this guy. What the hell is wrong with me today?

"Fine. Wait a minute, though, I have to put this in my own locker," I say, as I open the locker next to his, depositing my bag. Quickly grabbing my history books, I close my locker again, and try not to notice the new guy's questioning look. I really don't want to answer anymore of his questions, which is why I start walking down the hall, not really caring if he follows or not.

"Thanks. You have history too?" he asks, motioning to the books in my arms. I nod, as I try to avoid the stares from the girls in the hall. Surely they must be wondering what the new hot guy is doing with the freak. And I could ask my self the exact same question. Hell, I'd even be able to answer that question.

He doesn't know. He's new to the school, which means he doesn't know anything about my behavior, or the rumors circling about me. He thinks I'm just a normal student, willing to show him the way to class. But that'll be over, as soon as we get to lunch. Because at lunch, he will surely be talking to the football team, or something like that. And then he'll know everything about me being totally fucked up. Oh well, I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

As we reach the class, I actually expect him to choose a table far away from my usual spot in the back of the class. But no. He flops down on the chair beside my table, flashing me his perfect white teeth, as he smiles at me.

"So, tell me, Elena. Who's the teacher of this class? And do I have anything to look forward to?" he asks, looking at me, as though he really is trying to get to know me. I raise an eyebrow at him, calling him out on the lame question. I mean, really? Something to look forward to? We were having history for Christ's sake.

"His name is Alaric Saltzman. He's fine, I guess," I say, opening my binder, ready to doodle all over the untouched paper. I would love to spend the whole class writing, but something tells me that the new guy wouldn't be able to keep his eyes to him self. And no way I'm letting him read whatever I would decide to write.

"Nothing to look forward to, then?" he asks, holding his gaze on me. I look at him again, raising the eyebrow further up. He's seriously asking about this?  
"It's history. What do you expect? If you're interested in the civil war and other useless periods in the world history, I guess this will be like Disneyland. If not, then you have a boring class in front of you," I say, retuning my look to the paper. I am already doodling, without knowing. It seems as a reflex to me. I just do it.

"Well, then it's good that I happen to like history. What about you? You don't really seem to keen on the subject?" he says, raising an eyebrow. I can't help but notice how sexy it looks, but I quickly push the thought away. Sure, I could flirt with him, fuck him tonight, or maybe even in the lunch break, but I wasn't really in the mood for a quickie. Plus, I was kind of sore after a very rough night with my step-dad. No, I am not going to think about him anymore! Not when I'm away from him. The only positive thing about school. It is my time away from the monster. And I am trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

"It's boring. Why would I like it? I mean, Alaric's cool and everything. But I don't see the point in learning about stuff that happened that long time ago. Why dwell on the past?" I say, looking at him again. Why did I just say that? It is way too close to what was going on in my life, and I don't want him to suspect anything. I have worked way too hard to keep my life a secret, for him to ruin it all. Get your shit together, Gilbert!

"Maybe because the past is what defines the future. I mean, if we didn't have the civil war, for instance, we would probably still be holding slaves, treating some people totally unfair, just because of their skin color. You really think that's fair?" he says, leaning back in his chair, while finally looking away from me. His gaze was becoming rather uncomfortable.

"Of course that wouldn't be fair. But if you haven't noticed, we don't have slaves. We have maids, but they're paid and stuff like that. So why would I care to know why we don't have them anymore? It doesn't really matter to me," I say, shrugging slightly, as I hear people starting to fill the class. Great, the bitches is in the house. Of course Caroline and Rebekah has to be in my class this year. I am forced to listen to those two bitches talking about me, for 45 minutes. Great, just great.

"Well, I really don't agree with you. And maybe you'll end up agreeing with me," he says, looking at me once again. Hasn't he noticed Caroline and Rebekah? They are the beauties of the school, the girls every boy wants to be with, and every girl wants to be like. So why isn't he hurrying to speak to them, instead of staying in the back, with the school freak? I mean, it's not like I look attractive. Sure, I'm wearing shorts, but I'm also wearing a big hoodie, to hide every single one of my scars and bruises. So, why isn't this new guy going after the hot, sexy girls, instead of talking to the closed-off, weird girl?

"And what makes you think I'll agree with you?" I ask, looking into his eyes. I immediately regret the decision. My gaze is as though locked with him, and I have no possible way of tearing my eyes from his. Because they're beautiful. Sure, I noticed earlier that they were incredibly blue, but that isn't all. They're deep, they're warm and friendly. Like he actually enjoys talking to me, like he actually wants to get to know me.

But I know that's all a lie. Of course he doesn't want to get to know me. He won't, when he finds out just how much of a freak I am. Then he'll be with the rest of the school, shooting me glares, showing me just how weird and freaky I am. And a part of me doesn't want him to become like that. A part of me wants to get to know him, to let him in. I want to tell him everything, I want to let him get close to me.

But I know I can't. Because if I ever let someone know, my step-dad will hurt Jeremy. And if I ever let someone into my heart, I'm going to get crushed. Because I can't trust anyone than myself. I've learned that the hard way. So why should I stop following that rule, because of a new guy with blue eyes? Not going to happen.

"Because I am going to make you agree with me. I am going to make it my mission this year, to make you agree with me. I'll make you see," he says, a satisfied smile in place on his lips. My jaw almost drops. He thinks he's going to make me agree with him? He actually wants to spend time with me, making me agree with his point of views? Well, that is going to change, once we reaches lunch break. Then he'll keep away from me, during the rest of the year, and I can go back to revel in my own pain. So, why not agree to his small challenge?  
"Fine. Try all you want, but you won't succeed. I can tell you that already," I say, as Alaric walks through the door. Who does this guy think he is? Oh well, he'll give up soon enough. I just have to hold on until lunch break. Then he'll join everyone else.

"Good morning, class, and welcome back. I hope you all enjoyed your holidays, because now that we're back again, we're going to work hard. You have a lot of exams to pass. Now, first of all I want you to get together, two and two, with the person you sit next to. Then you can start writing down every single word that pops into your head when I say second world war. Get started," Alaric says, as he puts his bag down on the chair in front of his desk. I look around the class, sighing, when I notice my only choice is Damon. I'm actually forced to work together with this guy. Can this day become any worse?

"Great. This will give me the opportunity to start my mission! Come on, start writing down. Second world war, what do you know?" he asks, opening his notebook and retrieving a pen from the pocket in his black leather jacket. I raise an eyebrow at him, again. Okay, so he thinks I'm going to do all the work? Not going to happen.

"I will, if you get started as well. No way I'm doing all the hard work here," I say, as I turn to a new page. I quickly fill in the subject and date at the top, before starting to write down. So, what do I know about second world war? Something about this Hitler guy, and some jews...

I look at the new guys paper. Of course he's already got almost a full page of words, connected to the second world war. Great, not only is he annoying as hell, he's also smart. This is going to be a long year.

"Hitler and jews? That's what you've got?" he asks, as he looks at my paper with a smile on his lips. If eyes could kill, this guy would be dead by now. Twice.

"Yeah, sorry if I'm not into this whole history thing. As I told you, I'm not really interested in what happened in the past," I say, while leaning back in my seat. I feel jealous, I feel stupid. Of course I want to be able to write just as many words down on the paper, as Damon has, but no way I'm ever going to be that smart. I'm just too fucked up to know that kind of stuff.

"Well, second world war is a great example of an historical event that changed the present. Come on, tell me what you know. I'll help you. No more douche comments, promise. Bring it," he says, moving closer to my able. I frown at him. He wants to help me? Oh sure, he wants to make me see his view on stuff. I'm his mission. Oh well, why not play along?

"Fine. Well, as far as I know, this Hitler guy was a dictator, and he... Killed a lot of Jews, I think," I say, fighting hard not to blush. I feel way too stupid to actually be alive. Why can't I just be alone as usual? But no, I have to be with this new smart guy.

"Yeah, that's a great place to start. Hitler was a dictator and he killed a lot of Jews. Do you have any idea why he killed them?" he asks, while putting his notebook on my table. Wait, is he moving closer to my table? Do he really have to get this close?

"No. Absolutely no idea. He was jealous of their noses or something like that?" I say, trying to lighten the mood. When you have no idea what's going on, make fun or run. That's my ways out. And right now, the little blade in my bag is calling my name way too loud. But I can't. I have to try and be okay. Just be normal, just for one single class.

But Damon doesn't think I'm funny. His left eyebrow shoots to his hairline, as he looks at me in disbelief. I try to smile at him, but I'm having a hard time not walking out the class. I just want to get away. Actually, I just want to go out, find my knife in my bag, go to the bathroom and cut. I want to feel that pain. But I can't. I'm stuck here in class, with Damon.

"You've got a point with the jealousy though. Hitler was jealous of the Jews, because he was thrown out of a painting academy. They said he didn't have any kind of talent. Jews are known for being very hardworking and creative, which might be the reason they actually got into the academy. Also, Hitler was lucky to come forth in the period he did. Germany had just lost first world war, and was extremely poor..."

And he just keeps on going. I find my self zoning completely out of the knowledge he is pouring out, and instead I focus on his amazingly blue eyes. I've never really been one for blue eyes. Or green eyes. Both of them have always reminded me of my step-dad. And he isn't one I want to remember. But Damon's eyes are different. I find my self swimming away in them. I would love nothing more than to see those eyes darkened with desire, as his naked body hovers above mi...

No!  
I can't allow my self to think of him in that way. I just can't! He's the new guy, and soon enough he'll be with all the other popular people, making fun of me down the hallways. I can't let myself get attached to him, just because he's giving me some sort of attention. Maybe it's just sexual tension. Maybe I just need to get in his pants, and then this will finally be over. Or maybe I don't.

And why am I even thinking about that? When we reach lunch, he'll be gone! Pull yourself together, Gilbert!

In less than 240 days, I'll be in my car, all my stuff in the trunk, driving far away from this shit hole. Keep that in mind. And as soon as Jeremy's old enough, he'll be with me. We'll be gone, ready to start a brand new life. A life that doesn't involve the evil step-dad.

"Elena? Elena, are you even listening to me?"

I'm pulled out of my memory, as Damon waves his hand in front of my eyes. I smile innocently at him, and returns to my notepad, writing down the stuff I remember him talking about.

"Sorry, I guess I kind of... Zoned out," I say, trying to keep my self together. Don't think about the blade, don't think about it...

"It's okay. Here, let me write down some stuff for you. Then I'll explain them shortly. You'll get it, I promise. I won't let you down," he says, as he reaches towards my notepad, touching my hand in the process.

Okay, I've never been one to believe in all of those sappy movies, but I swear, as soon as his porcelain skin touches mine, an electric shock shoots through my body, starting at the place we're touching each other. As I raise my head and look into his eyes, I can see he's just as confused as I am. What the hell is going on?

I quickly retract my hand from his and looks away from his eyes. No way I am putting my self in line for this. I did not ask for anything new this year. I am completely fine with going through another year filled with drama, shit and problems. As long as the year actually moves on, and I'm ready to go in July. No way I'm complicating this year, with a boy. Not even Damon.

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**There you go, chapter 1. This has made me REALLY nervous, so PLEASE leave a review! I am seriously in need of those. It's fuel to my inspiration, and I really want to update often for you guys! I really do! So leave a review, and make my day (night)! **

**See you soon!**


	3. Chapter 2

**So, here you have chapter 2! Chapter 3 is finished, and will be put up as soon as I'm done writing chapter 4. That's how I'm going to do this! **

**Well, I hope you like this. I'm overwhelmed by the response to this fic! I've never gotten so many reviews this fast! PLEASE keep them coming! I'm loving them!**

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**Chapter 2: **

When we reach lunch, I'm already totally mentally exhausted. When the bell finally ended the history class, Damon and I were more than ready to tell everyone about the second world war. This guy was a genius! But he was also getting way too close for my liking.

Fortunately he wasn't in my physics class, which made me relax a lot more than I should have. The teacher asked me to stop zoning out at least three times during the class. But I really didn't care at that point. Why should I? Of course I was going to graduate. No need to stress anything.

I'm rushing down the halls, my books in my arms, ready to be put in my locker. I'm not spending the lunch break actually eating lunch. Why should I? No, I'm spending the lunch break in the girl's bathroom, with the only thing that can make me relax again. That beautiful silver blade lying in the little black box in my school bag.

I'm in such a rush, that I don't even notice the guy standing next to my locker. Great. I knew it was too good to be true.

I try to make my self as invisible as possible, as I open the locker and put in my books. He isn't talking to me, which is making me sigh with relief. Maybe he already know about all of the rumors. Maybe he's already disgusted with me, and doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Great!

With a smile on my lips, I retrieve the small box from my bag and slam my locker shut. Before Damon can say anything, I'm almost running down the hall, eager to reach the toilets. God, I can't wait! I need to feel the relief, the pain. I need it. Desperately.

I can hear him shouting my name, but I'm far too gone for him to actually catch up with me. As I go inside a stall and locks the door, I let out a happy sigh. I made it. I'm safe.

I sink down to the floor, as I open the lid of the black box and looks at the shiny blade. It's beautiful. I can't help but love it. I pick it up, and looks at it for a bit. This is my way out. My way of surviving these years. This is the only reason I'm holding on. I know my mom would be disappointed with me, if she could see how I am doing right now. She would scream at me, yell at me, tell me everything I should be doing.

I actually smile at the thought. Not because I liked when my mother yelled at me. No, because I like the thought of her. I like to think of her, her beautiful brown hair, those beautiful brown eyes, so filled with love. The way she would stroke my hair, as we watched a movie. The way she would tell me she loved me, every single night, before I went to bed.

I miss my mom. Not just because of what has happened to our family since her death. No, because she was my mom. She _is _my mom. And I love her, even though she's a better place now. And some day, some wonderful day, I'm going to join her. But I know that day isn't now. Because I can't leave Jeremy with my step-dad. I can't.

Closing my eyes, I feel the blade on the skin of my arm. Subconsciously I've pulled up my sleeve, ready to add a new scar to the collection.

My arms look terrible. I know most of the scars will never disappear. And I know I never should have put the blade to my arm that night. If I hadn't, I might have been able to wear t-shirts and tanktops now. But I can't. Because even though I don't care what anyone at the school thinks, I do care what Jeremy and my step-dad thinks. Jeremy should never know anything about cutting. What if he actually want to start him self? And I have no idea how John would punish me. I've had enough of his punishments to know I don't want another one.

That's why I always wear those big sweatshirts. They hide my scars, so nobody will know. Because anyone could tell Jeremy. And I do not want to risk that.

My head lolls back as the blade makes a deep cut in my arm. I let out a sigh in pleasure, and let my body slump back against the wall. This is what makes me able to go through the day. This is what I love.

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To be honest, I have no idea for how long I sit there, just enjoying the flow of the blood from my arm. I know that when the bell rings, I'm surprised. I'm quick to clean my self up. I've tried this more than just once. And within three minutes, I'm all cleared up, and ready to go to class, as if nothing had happened. And that's exactly what I do. I put on a fake smile, and goes to class. Nobody will suspect a thing. Why would they? That would mean they cared about me, and why should they? Of course they don't care about me. And the lunch break has finally been here. Damon won't talk to me, and everything can return to normal once again. I don't need to worry about him anymore.

"Elena! Elena, would you mind helping me?"

I can't believe my ears, as his velvety voice reaches them. He's calling for me. I turn around, while narrowing my eyes. But there he is, a smile printed on his lips, as he runs closer to me. He's holding papers in his hands. He's lost, _again? _The school's not that big!

"What do you need, Damon?" I ask, rolling my eyes, as he reaches my side.

"Room E17... Seriously, I'm so lost. Would you mind showing me where the class is?" he asks, smiling innocently at me. Why is he even talking to me? He was supposed to hate me, to be disgusted by me now. That's what happens when you hear the rumors. You believe them, and you keep your distance. But this boy won't. God, it's annoying!

"Here, you just go down that hall, until you see the room. Shouldn't be too far," I say, pointing down a hallway. He smiles at me, then grabs my hand and kisses my palm.

"Thank you, miss Elena. It is very kind for a lady like you to help a lost man, like my self. I will see you later," he says, and then he's gone. I shake my head in confusion, before walking down the hall to my own class. Why does he keep on talking to me? What the hell is going on?

* * *

When the day is finally over, I don't bother waiting for Jeremy. I know he doesn't need to be picked up. And he knows that I have to work.

This is one of the many things John doesn't know anything about. He thinks I'm doing some sort of extra credit stuff after school, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. But of course I'm not.

Two years ago, I got a job down at the local grill, as a waitress. I knew I was going to need the money, for when I'm finally on my way out of this town. Which is why I try to put in as many hours as possible. Not only am I going to need money for the road. I'm also going to need money for the apartment, for college and for everything else I'm going to need.

I have a great starter. My mom left me a lot of money, which I have been able to actually hide from John. He doesn't know a single thing about them. But the money won't be enough to last for four years. And also, I want to make my own money. I want to be able to take care of my self. Not be dependent on someone else.

And with the money I'm making, I actually think I will be able to afford living alone. I will be able to pay my dues, to live in an apartment by my self, to go to college. I will be able to actually get away.

And when Jeremy is old enough, I'll be able to take care of him. I will be able to safe him from John, to give him the life he has always deserved.

Everything is going to be just fine, as soon as I can get away.

* * *

"Elena, may I speak to you for a minute?"

The Grill has been almost empty for most of the afternoon. There hasn't been much work to do, which has resulted in me sitting behind the bar, writing on my notepad. Of course I can't stop writing. Whenever I have a break, I spend it writing. And I love it.

I've created my own universe. A universe where I'm able to control everything. Where there's no evil step-father, where love is stronger than anything else.

A universe where my mother and father is still alive. Yeah, I know, it's totally cliché. But I can't help it. It's what keeps me going.

Reluctantly I get up, puts away my notepad and follows my boss into his office. I wonder what he wants to speak to me about. I haven't done anything wrong. I've worked hard, and every costumer seems to be happy with me. So, what does he wants to speak to me about?

"Elena, do you know why I called you in here?" he asks, as I sit down in the comfortable chair in front of his desk. I shake my head, expecting the worst. I can't afford being fired, and I can't afford going down in payment. Then I won't be able to afford college, and then I won't be able to afford going away from John.

"You have been the best employee here, for a long time. And I haven't really awarded you for that. Not in the way that you deserve. So, I'm giving you a raise. A big one, actually. And if you want, you can have more shifts. I'm not sure if you want to work after school, at night, in the mornings. Any shift you want, you can have it. I'm serious, you deserve it. You've been loyal and faithful, ever since you started working here, and you deserve to be rewarded."

I can't believe my ears. He's giving me a raise!

"Thank you, sir, thank you _so _much! I'm serious. Really, thank you!" I say, not sure how I can thank him enough. As the rest of the towns people, he doesn't know anything about my life at home. He doesn't know that I want to escape from Mystic Falls, but he knows that I need the money. And I'm thankful for this.

"Elena, Elena, hey! Relax. I'm serious about this. You deserve it. And how many times has I told you to call me Matt?" he says, smiling at me. I can't help but smile back at him and I almost lean in for a hug. But then I remember. He's my boss, I'm his employee, and there's boundaries. Boundaries I can't overstep. I can't afford to overstep them.

Sure, Matt and I could be great together. He's 20, not that much older than me. And sure, I would be happy with him. We would have a great life. He's a sweet guy, he has money, and I know for a fact that he cares for me.

But I can't let him in. When you let people in, you get crushed. Either they leave you, or they use their knowledge against you. And I can't have someone leave me again. No, I need to keep my self closed off, with a smile on my lips. Then I won't be broken. I won't be ruined.

As I reach for the door knob, Matt talks to me again.

"Elena?" I look at him, still with a big smile plastered on my lips, "you know you can talk to me, right? I'm here if you need it."

I feel my body stiffen a bit, but I refuse to let my smile falter. Then he'll know something's wrong. And he can't know that.

"I'm great, Matt. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me," I say, and then walks out the door. No way I'm ready for him trying to make me spill. Because of course I want to let him in. I trust him like no other, because he has been there for me ever since I was a kid. But I can't let him in. I just can't.

* * *

When I return to home later that night, I'm exhausted. I have grown far too comfortable during the summer holidays, doing nothing at all, except going to my favorite spot in all of Mystic Falls; The Falls.

I know, I know, it's really cliché and sappy. But I love The Falls. And since I haven't been able to go to school during the summer, I have spent my time there. Surprisingly enough, there aren't many people visiting The Falls. You should think there would be, since it's one of the main attractions in Mystic Falls, but I have never seen another soul down there. Which is why I love it.

I can be alone. Often, I bring my notebook with me, get comfortable somewhere along the coast of the lake, and then I just write. Most of my novel was written down there, actually. Because I can be my self. The only company I've got, is the fish. And they don't really talk to me, or anything. No, they're just there, listening when I go mad, and want to get some of the thoughts in my head out.

Also, I have lost count of how many times I've gone skinny dipping in that lake. Why wouldn't I? It's an amazing feeling, to be all naked in the water. And there aren't any other people down there. Why not take advantage of that?

But the summer holidays filled with skinny dipping, writing and sun are over. I'm back in the house, I'm back in school and I need to go to bed, before John notices I'm home. Because if he does, I know he'll want to have me, and I really can't hold my self together anymore. I need to get to my room, and get to bed, quick.

So I don't take off my shoes, or anything. I quickly get up the stairs, into my room and locks my door. I know I'll be forced to unlock it if he comes asking for me, but right now, it makes me feel safe.

As soon as I'm inside, I take off my shoes, jacket and jeans. Then I deposit of my bag on the floor and starts pulling on my shorts. Next off is my sweatshirt and bra. For some reason, I've never really liked taking off those two items. I guess I feel exposed without them. Without my sweatshirt, you're able to see my scars. And without my bra, you're able to see my breasts. And for some odd reason, I don't like people seeing my breasts.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with my upper body. Well, except for my scars maybe. But otherwise, I'm pretty normal. I may be a bit too skinny, but not in an anorexia kind of way. My breasts are completely normal as well. A full C-cup, nothing to complain about. And my stomach is just as flat as any other teen girl.

But still, I feel exposed, showing it off. That's why I can't wait to put on my camisole and get under the covers of my bed. Not wasting any time at all, I flick the light off, and closes my eyes, hoping that my sleep won't be interrupted by John. Maybe I'm lucky tonight.

* * *

_As soon as my eyes open, I know something's wrong. I look around my room. I'm still in my bed, and nothing's changed. My photo's are in their places, my clothes are in their places, everything's completely normal. But I know something's wrong. _

_Frightened, I make my way out of bed, hugging my teddy close to my body. I know that whatever is wrong, Mr. Cuddles is going to protect me. He always has. Dad made sure of that. _

_As soon as I reach the hallway, I can hear sobs. And my heart clenches as soon as I recognises them. It's mom's. Mom's crying. But why is mom crying? She never cries! She's always happy. She says she happy, because she knows I'm there, and I'm her light. So why is she crying? _

_Being as silent as possible, I walk down the hallway, nearing her room. The door is slightly opened, just enough for me to peak. I have no idea what's going on in mom's room._

_She's laying on the bed, while John is laying on her. His hand is on her mouth and they're both naked, only covered by a thin satin sheet._

"_Sshh, Miranda," he says, in a husky voice, "you don't want to wake poor little Elena, now, do you? Or maybe you do. Maybe you want her to be a part of the fun?" _

_I can see my mom shake her head, while tears are rolling down her cheeks. What's wrong? Why is she crying? And why are they naked? _

"_If you keep on making those noises, she's going to be a part of this. But if you're silent, and do as I say, I promise she'll stay out of it."_

_Mom let's out a small whimper, and then nods. Why are they talking about me? And why is John talking about fun? John never does anything fun, involving me. It's always Jeremy that get's to be a part of the funny stuff. It's Jeremy that get's to go to the zoo and to the fair. Never me. _

_Why isn't mom letting me be a part of this fun, John is talking about? _

_I hug Cuddles closer to my body, as I sneak further into their room. Mom is making different noises now. But she's still crying. I don't like seeing her cry. Why is John making her cry? _

_I have never liked John. He's mean. But mom says he's good to our family, and that she cares about him very much. She also says that I'm supposed to be a good kid, and talk nicely to him. But I don't like talking to him. I don't like him at all. _

_But I will do whatever mom says. Because she is my mom, and she only does what's best for me. Because she loves me. I know she does. She keeps telling me, all the time. And I'm happy, every time she tells me. _

"_You chose this for yourself, Miranda. Just get the best out of it."  
And with that comment, mom turns her head, and her eyes locks with mine. I can see them grow big, as she sees me, hidden underneath her desk. I know I shouldn't be here. I know in that instant her eyes meets mine. But I can't move. Not when mom is afraid. Because I'll always stay by her side, even when she's scared._

* * *

I wake up with a loud gasp, as my eyes shot's open, and I look around my room. It's clear that I'm no longer dreaming. The photo's in my room are gone, the wallpaper have changed, and my closet is no longer filled with paintings.

No, I'm back to where I belong.

I slowly sit up in my bed, as I try to get my breathing under control. I hate those nightmares. I've gotten used to them, during the past years. No matter how hard I try to fight them, they always come back, and I'm just as startled every time I wake up from one of them. I know, I shouldn't be this affected by nightmares in an age of 17. I know my past, I know what has happened. Even though I haven't really accepted it, I'm completely aware of it, and I know it's not going to change. So why am I still reacting this way?

Maybe because I never got over it. Hell, I'm clearly never going to get over it. And how can I? I'm not seeing a therapist, and I have never told anyone about the stuff that has been going on in my life, right from when my dad died. How could I tell anyone about it, when I know no one is going to believe me? Because all of those bad things, are because of John. And he's the most important man in this city.

Oh yes, the rest of the city see's him as a good man. An honorable man, doing everything he can to protect our small city, to make it as good as possible. So who would believe his crazy step-daughter? No one. Which is yet another reason I have to keep everything to my self. And maybe that is exactly the reason I am never going to get over those terrible nightmares. Good thing I'm getting more and more used to them every single night.

Trying to make my legs follow, I make my way to the bathroom Jeremy and I share. I'm thankful for it. That means I won't have to go downstairs for a glass of water. If I did, I would probably wake up John, and I know exactly what he would want. Oh no, not tonight. I was getting my sleep tonight, not interrupted by his twisted ideas.

As soon as I'm in the bathroom, I take a look at my self in the mirror. I look like a complete mess.

My brown hair is totally messed up from me tossing and turning. My face is pale, and my eyes are red and puffy. I haven't notice I had been crying. God, I feel weak.

The leftovers of my make-up is smeared across my face, making me look even more like a zombie. And maybe that is what I have become. A zombie. I just do what people tell me, walk around, do my homework. I'm not letting my self feel.

I sigh, knowing it can't be different. I can't change my comfortable way of living. I'm surviving this way, and that's what I need to do. 200 days, Gilbert, you can manage. Yes, I can.

After drinking the water, I return to my bed. I know there isn't any use in trying to sleep. I'm not going to calm down within the next hour.

So I flicker on the light, and finds my journal from the bag of the painting above my bed. That's the only logical place for me to hide it. I don't want anyone to find it. I'm not sure if John is looking through my drawers, but I'm not taking the risk. Behind my painting, is a place he'll never look, I'm sure of it.

Getting comfortable in bed, I start to let the pen float across the paper, and I instantly feel my self relaxing. This is what I love to do. This is what makes me calm down.

I don't hesitate to bring it all down to the paper. The dream, of the first time I saw John and my mother together. Everything that has happened during the day, me meeting Damon. Everything is going down there. Because this little book, is the only one I can confide in. This little book, is the only one I know will never judge me. And this little book, is the only one that will ever know my secrets.

* * *

**So, there you have it! PLEASE leave a review! Doesn't have to be long, two words is enough. And I promise I will respond to EVERY review! Promise! :) I'll see you next time!**


	4. AN!

**Hey guys!  
This isn't a chapter, just so you're aware. I wish it was, but it isn't. **

**I'm writing to tell you that I'm putting this on a hiatus. You probably already guessed that, but I felt like writing anyway to tell you. This ****_will _****be finished, and I ****_will _****take it up again. I am, unfortunately, going through a very tough time in my life, and I'm really sad to tell you all that writing on this story just triggers some stuff. That's why I am putting it on a hiatus. I promise, that once I get better and get my life under control, I'll take this up again, and I will finish it. I can't promise when, but it'll happen :)**

**That being said, I have to say that I am ****_not _****a victim of abuse in any way! Don't worry about that, I promise, I'm not. **

**Thank you all for your reviews and stuff. I'm sorry to do this, but it's necessary. I won't, however, be putting Hotel California on hiatus, and am still working on it as hard as possible, plus I have another fic coming up, that'll be pretty big, I think. AU! Can't wait to start uploading it, but I want to have a headstart.**

**I'll see you all. I promise!**

**- AlwaysElisabethian**


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